


One

by orphan_account



Series: Three Part Steph Rogers Work [1]
Category: Marvel
Genre: But Also Funny, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Dark, Depression, Emo Fanfic Banksy, Eventual Romance, F/M, Female Steve Rogers, Friends to Lovers, I suppose, Pining, Poetic, Rule 63, Teenage Embarassment, Temporary Character Death, kinda smutty?, part of a series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-18 23:36:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7335565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short pieces depicting the lives of Bucky and Stephanie (fem!Steve) before the war and during.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One

**Author's Note:**

> Changing the gender of characters is a tricky thing. Everyone has a different view on it. As a writer, I believe that if someone puts hard work and effort into a piece, you should respect them. If you criticize, do it constructively. Writing is not an easy task, it often takes the heart and soul of the writers and more than half of their courage to publish it. Forums like these are tricky, people are very opinionated. These characters are important to people, so it's not a bad thing to be protective and not like what a writer does to your favorite. Changing the gender of Steve Rogers to Stephanie Rogers was a decision I made after reading some really beautiful fem!Steve fics. I am an avid Stucky shipper through and through. I want to clarify that my changing their genders is not an act of me doing it to fulfill the "het agenda" at all. The idea of a female Captain America is something I find to be truly special, as I know and hope many others do. This is a work of extended fiction, and I hope it's well received. If not, keep it to yourself and respect writers. This is emotional. A lot of it is dark humor, please read with caution.

**Sarah**

Winters are long. The longer the winter, the longer she suffers. The unbearable cold despite the bundle of blankets wrapped around her tiny body ages her poor mother more than time itself. Oh, how much she had lost. Her family back in the homeland, her husband's bright smile after the war- own during the war upon seeing such death and ruin- but the baby, the tiny baby she had given life to had been the light at the end of the dark, dismal tunnel. But there was never such perfection in her life, her baby was ill, her husband was dead inside. She didn't come to America to struggle for her life. She came to feel freedom on her fingertips, to fall in love with a kind man, to make a family and feel like the woman her mother raised her to be, to help those in need. 

To help those in need.

She was failing in her destiny. Her husband stumbling home drunk and dying. She couldn't save him. 

She failed. 

As she watched her baby girl cough and wheeze as the winter droned on, with no help from family, no friends to make... she could not fail. She would not fail. 

Spring came with hope. Her baby laughed at a kind woman in the market named Winnie. Winnie's baby laughed too, making grabby hands for her own tiny baby. The woman and her made eye contact, a familiar look in their eyes. They had both lost so much and had only one thing to live for. So they relied on each other. From there on out, things weren't as hard. Winnie helped take care of the Steph when she was sick so Sarah could cure others, so she could put food on the table. She patched James up when he fell and scraped himself up badly. 

She watched her daughter fall in love with the wild boy and wondered how a father could leave such a wonderful mother and child. 

She watched her daughter cry because she was not as pretty as the other girls and was teased for it. She held her daughter tightly, whispering to her in her native tongue. She could not fail her daughter, she would not let her die of shame. She taught her to be strong and stand up for herself and tried her best to teach her how to love herself. 

She watched James love her, take care of her, stick up for her. 

But it would never be enough. 

 __ _I fear he is a tomcat like his father,_ Winnie whispered to her confidant. 

She pursed her lips,  _She loves him._

 _I feared that too._ Winnie sighed. 

There is not much you can do, she reminded herself. They will learn themselves and know what is best. 

She encouraged her daughter's art. The beautiful art from such a beautiful child. Winnie helped to sell it at the bakery for extra money, kind strangers bought it and smiled at the scrawny girl who sat on the bench with James. James whispered encouragements, Steph looked at him like he was the world and agreed that she would be the best artist in New York someday. 

"Somedays" were difficult things. Sweet nothings, a whisper into the dark, a hope and prayer on a Sunday. Would there be a Someday? Steph's illnesses only grew worse every year, her body growing and changing and causing more problems. What would he do if she died? Little James with his bright blue eyes, afraid to love her too much. He knew the risks. He was a strong boy, he had to be. He knew heartbreak almost as much as she. She made a mental note to thank the boy for loving her girl so much. 

She never got the chance. 

She did not fail, oh how Steph wished she could tell her mother that she had succeeded in giving her the best life she possibly could have. At eighteen, Steph watched her mother die fulfilling her destiny. Helping others and helping her daughter. She wept as James held her, vowing to protect and take care of her. Winnie cried in silence, remaining strong for Steph and her James. 

She did not fail, oh how Steph wished she could tell her mother that she had succeeded in giving her the best life she possibly could have.

 

**Dancing**

_Two Footed Steph Rogers, ladies and gents!_ Bucky joked, taking a break from his attempt to teach his best friend how to dance. 

He joked with her like this, it toughened her up. She had a good sense of humor, she said she needed it to survive. She heard worse all her life. She always knew Bucky was joking, he'd never hurt her on purpose. 

 _You go too fast, jerk!_ She panted, waving him off when he drew closer, worried about her breathing. 

He bit his bottom lip,  _Maybe if you weren't such a punk you could keep up._

They glared at each other for a while before Steph hurled herself at him, knocking him down and tickling him. He laughed and gently turned her over to tickle her. She laughed hard, coughing and pushing so she was sitting up.

 _Breathe, watch my chest, Steph._ Bucky turned serious, breathing deeply for her to mimic like he always did.

She was alright, hugging him after like she always did and begging him not to tell her ma. He never did. 

 _You wanna try again?_ Bucky whispered in her ear. 

It was like electricity. Is love like electricity, she wondered to herself at nights. She was so young, too young to be so in love. But it was undeniable, the mutual feeling. Would he care so much if he didn't love her? 

Years later, Bucky tried again. Spinning her and dipping her, teaching her how to move to the rhythm of music. She was awful and they both knew it.

He laughed and kissed her cheek, a casual act of friendship for him- everything to her. 

She wanted to be a good dancer for him. She wanted to wear a pretty dress and makeup, watch his face fall and cheeks blush. She wasn't enough for him, she knew. If he had heard her saw that, he'd yell. He might even cry. He wanted her, wanted to dance and kiss and whisper in her ear. But he saw what happened when her lungs stopped. 

So practice dancing and secret kisses as she slept could suffice them both.

**Body**

It was a habit. She got out of the tub and looked at herself in the dirty mirror that she only really cleaned once or twice a year. She began this ritual when she went through 'puberty', a funny word but an awful time. Her body changed. She watched other girls' bodies change, it was different or them. They got prettier and Bucky liked looking at them. She got uglier, in her opinion. Her breasts weren't big like Ruth's. Ruth was her gorgeous neighbor that Bucky liked until she kissed Bucky's half-sister.

 _You think I'll ever get tits like Ruth?_ She asked Bucky. 

He spit his cola out.  _Christ, Steph!_

Her face went red.  _What? All I said was tits._

Bucky's face was red too.  _They're called breasts, you pervert._

That prompted Steph to punch him in the arm, which made him giggle. 

 _And sure, why not? I bet yours could get bigger than hers._ He joked. 

Boys went through puberty too. Bucky's voice got deeper- which made Steph blush sometimes- and he got hairier, more than girls did. Steph didn't get hairy like the other girls and Bucky nearly died when she showed him she was hairy too. That prompted her mother and Mrs. Barnes to have The Talk with Steph. 

When they were sixteen, Bucky wanted to swim at night. It was hotter than hell, still muggy at night but the water was cool and refreshing. Without thinking, they both stripped to their skivvies and swam in the water. When they hopped to the dock, Bucky nearly fell back in. 

 _What?_ Steph grew angry, tired of the boy overreacting at everything she did. 

His head was heavy and he felt the guilt his step-father taught him about. What happened when you saw a pretty girl and how your body reacted. No, not here, not in front of Steph- not because of her! He thought. 

She suddenly became aware of what was going on, thanks to her ma and Mrs. Barnes. 

 _Oh, come on. I'm your best friend! It ain't nothin' to see me naked. Look, I don't have much anyway._ She laughed. 

So he looked, feeling the guilt worsen.  _Steph!_

She hesitantly moved closer, touching him where she knew he wanted her to gently and watching him gasp and relax. Even in the dark, she could see how red he was. Yet, she didn't feel any shame just... heat. He bit his lip and touched her small breast, burning up and giggling. They put their clothes back on and rushed back to Steph's house, knowing her ma wouldn't be home til the next morning. 

Bucky took his boxers off and Steph took her underwear off, eyes going wide at the sight of him. 

 _Is it small or something?_ Bucky joked. 

She laughed, shaking her head. He sighed with relief and they laughed again. 

 _We're gonna make Father John blush on Sunday._ Steph said as Bucky's fingers bumped over her spine and finding her small behind. 

 _I can't fuck you til I marry you though._ Bucky blurted.

Steph punched his shoulder and then hugged him,  _Shit, I'm sorry!_

He grinned and froze, stumbling with words.  _Sorry for being vulgar._

 _You wanna fuck me?_ Steph blushed. 

He looked away, nodding.  _But I won't. Not until we're married. If you wanna do that..._

She frowned, wait?  _Good thinking._

 

**Sleep**

Bucky and Steph often laid in Sarah's big bed. It was big to them, their short bodies in a sea of white sheets and the beautiful quilt Sarah had brought from Ireland. Steph hold him the stories that went along with each pattern. He'd fall asleep after the fifth one. 

When they got a little older, Bucky would take Steph in his arms and hold her in his bed when she wasn't sick. His step-father did that to his mother. Steph loved it. He liked it best when she'd let him read his science fiction books aloud to her. She liked his voice and how he'd change it to fit the characters and mood. She'd fall asleep though, breathing in sync with him when he also tired out. 

But they got older and slept in their own beds, longing for each other. They didn't sleep as well. 

Some nights, Bucky would stumble in drunk like a bull in a china shop. He'd get giggly and then get sick. Steph would clean up after him, and them clean him up. She hated when he did that. He'd try and kiss her, asking for her consent to touch her. She'd slap him and he'd snap out of it, pretending it never happened. He'd fall asleep on her couch, waking up confused the next morning to a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of cold coffee.

One night, Steph found an aged and dusty bottle of rum her mother had kept in dire times. She drank it, enough to get her tipsy. Bucky came over to surprise her with new coloring pencils. Instead he made her sober up, knowing her father's history. He tossed the bottle out the window and made her promise to never drink again. She made him promise the same. They slept in each other's arms that night, her tears on his shirt.

Bucky slept with other girls. He'd take them to his own apartment and kiss them where Steph wanted him to kiss her. He got a reputation for it, earning a lot of black eyes that Steph had to pull him away from. It was their thing, pulling each other out of or away from fights. She watched him walk away from the miserable double dates with the sister of the boy she had been paired up with, who either stayed out of kindness or left after the film. She fell asleep after dealing with her jealousy herself, he fell asleep after the girl left. 

**Fight**

_Scrappy little Irish punk, you._ Bucky would laugh, always with love. 

In all honesty, it worried him sick. One day, he thought, I'm gonna find my girl in an alley dead. 

He never did, but she too often had a bruise on her cheek that Bucky's sis Becca taught her how to cover up with the sticky makeup. Becca was good for helping patch up Steph. She wanted to be a doctor or a beautician or an actress. But sometimes, Bucky just took Steph straight to her apartment and cleaned her up himself. 

 _Shouldn't let guys beat you up, Steph._ He'd say more seriously. 

 _It ain't no difference cause I'm a girl. I can fight just like them._ She said, voice heavy with defiance. 

He scratched his neck and set the blood stained rag down,  _Clearly not, buttercup._

**War**

_They bombed Pearl Harbor._ Bucky frowned. 

The draft was announced soon after, Bucky started going out more. Trying to distract himself from the inevitable. When he was drafted, he realized he had wasted so much time. Time with Steph. Time he didn't realize he could lose. It was a miracle she was still alive. Her sickness not as bad in the winters, her breathing still shaky at times but god, was she strong. His tough Steph. His Steph. 

He knew what war did to men. He'd seen it in his father and other men in his life. 

He couldn't do it to Steph. 

**War II**

How could she sit by while her country needed her? No, the country needs men. Strong and able men willing to die. Fuck, she was willing to die. She'd been dying her whole life. Let her have a good reason. Her mother came to this country for freedom and love and everything good. She died from an awful illness and a hunger too horrible to live.

But Steph had endured. She'd endured with weak lungs and a frail body. 

They were taking her friend. Her Bucky. Her love. Her life. But not her. Not when she cut her hair. Not when she hid her body under men's clothing. Not when she spoke with a deeper voice. Not when she begged and tried to prove her worth. She would not stay and raise a child. What child would she raise when the one she loved wouldn't give her one without marriage- something he wouldn't even joke about anymore. 

 _Stay here. Don't be stupid. Be safe. You gotta be safe. You gotta be here for me when I come back._ He begged her after her fourth attempt. For him, she'd lie. 

**Farewell and Destiny**

A miserable double date to the Stark Expo. His date was too interested in the sexy Stark Girls on stage. Bucky was impressed, hoping one day he'd get his hands on a flying car. 

It was a chance. 

The recruitment center glowing like a sign from God, if he was even around anymore. 

She was sneaky, getting in and pulled into a room by a large man in formal greens. The doctor who examined her was German. Most people didn't like that, a native German. But Steph knew there was a difference between a Nazi and a German. The doctor was impressed, Doctor Erskine. 

 _You don't care that I'm a girl?_ She whispered. 

The doctor laughed,  _Men come from women. We are raised by women. Loved by women. Women can hold a gun and aim just as well as men._

She was a soldier. Her training began the day after Bucky shipped out. 

She kept it a secret. She knew he'd do something reckless like knock her up- or try- if he found out. He'd never take her to the police though, he'd rather knock her up. He said it once, but he was angry and scared. 

He didn't go home with a girl that night, which surprised the hell of Steph. Instead, he went home with her. 

 _My parting gift._ He smirked before pulling her skirt down, throwing her underwear aside, and spreading her legs. She wondered if he could hear how loud she was with her thighs so tight around his head. 

It was stupid of him. An impulse move. But worth it. 

Her mouth around him just as worth it. 

They didn't discuss it. They just laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, finding the will not to fuck each other- just holding hands like real lovers do. 

**Red**

No one was exactly pleased there was a woman around. The woman in question was Agent Carter. No one looked at Steph, with her hair up and under the helmet, she looked like a little boy. 

Agent Carter was a goddess. Exactly what Steph wanted to be. 

She wore Red lipstick. 

She was also British, a controversial matter to the men.  _The Brits are our allies,_ Steph reminded them. She got punched in the gut. 

Agent Carter knew she was a woman. At night, she'd sneak into her tent and talk to her. 

 _You're the special soldier, correct?_ Her eyes were wide with excitement. 

 _That's me._ Steph smiled, aiming to please the Agent. 

She didn't know what they had in store for her. 

One day during training, Hodge made a nasty comment towards Agent Carter. Before Steph got to him, Agent Carter popped him one right in the nose. 

His uniform was covered in red. 

During the flag challenge, Steph outsmarted the men and pulled the bolt out of the flag pole. She got to ride in the Jeep with Agent Carter. That night, Peggy gave her her own tube of Rosy Red lipstick from England. Steph only wore it around Peggy. They were friends now, Steph could call her Peggy. They needed to stick together. 

 _It's a grenade!_ Shouted one of the soldiers. The men all scattered, Peggy and Steph running towards it to shield it with their bodies. Steph pushed Peg out of the way, landing on the grenade and waiting for it to blow. It never did. Doctor Erskine smiled, looking at Colonel Phillips, who agreed she was fit for what they had planned. The alcohol Erskine gave her was nearly red, but he pulled it away before she got the chance to drink it. 

Her face turned red when Howard Stark asked her to strip, Peggy making sure she was allowed to keep her undershirt and her pants on. Howard got a slap on the arm from Peggy and a dirty look from his experiment. 

Her vision turned red when the penicillin entered her body and the door closed her in with her screams. 

Everyone's face was red when she came out of the contraption. 

Red was the blood seeping through the pale coat of Doctor Erskine. 

Anger is often associated with the color red, never in her life had Steph been so angry as when she chased after the Nazi that killed the doctor and the innocent SSR agents. 

The little boy who was thrown into the water had red hair, he swam away to safety.

The Nazi's eyes were bloodshot red when he died from the cyanide pill.  _Heil Hydra._

**Enough**

_You are not enough,_ the colonel told her. 

She felt enough. Before she was whatever she was now, she was enough. Peggy told her that. Erskine told her. Bucky told her. Her mother told her. 

She would never be enough, never truly. 

**Body II**

She had grown nine inches. Her hair had grown down to her shoulders. Her fingernails were longer. Her eyebrows had grown in, bushy until Peggy plucked them to perfection similar to her own. Everything had grown. 

She had tits. 

_Dear Buck,_

_I'm sorry I didn't write. The truth is, I joined the army. The funny part is that they made me into a super soldier. Sounds like one of your science fiction books, doesn't it? I'm tall and pretty. Like really pretty. I wish I could send a picture. It's hilarious. I'm fucking gorgeous. I have tits!!! They're bigger than Ruth's too. I don't even know what the hell to do with them. They get in the way and bras are uncomfortable. All I can think about is sex. Back home, I read this magazine about how to satisfy your husband for a laugh and it said to put yourself in their shoes. Well I was kinda forced into yours and Jesus, are you always this horny? I wish you were around so you could put your head between my legs. Fuck marriage, I want you. I hope I run into you so we can have sex._

_I miss you terribly, for reasons other than the fact I'm bored with my hands._

_Steph._

**Showgirl**

Steph toured the country selling bonds in a flashy red, white, and blue outfit. She punched a nice guy named Craig every night. She only accidentally punched him once. Craig was dressed as Hitler. They sold a lot of bonds that night. She held the ice to Craig's cheek and apologized all night. He laughed it off and they practiced on her not socking him in the face. They became friends. 

Surprisingly, she could sing and act. She couldn't dance for shit though. 

She was famous. They called her Lady America for the first few shows until Rosie the Riveter became popular. Steph thought Rosie was real for the longest time until she met the real Riveters in Detroit. There was no Rosie, there was a whole group of women all over the country doing the riveting. She became Captain America after that, encouraging young women to join the service in anyway they could. 

Eventually, they sent their dancing monkey overseas to perform for a group of men that only wanted to see her tits. 

It was the 107th. 

What was left of the 107th. 

Bucky's 107th. 

They'd been captured. 

Bucky was captured by Nazis. 

That's why he never replied to her letters.

**Savior**

Peggy put the Rosy Red lipstick on Steph's lips before they boarded Howard's plane. 

 _Fondue... what the fuck is a fondue. Holy shit. Peggy and Howard Stark are sleeping together. Jesus Christ._ She thought to herself as she jumped out of the plane. 

She was getting Bucky out of there dead or alive. 

Dressed in a the less skimpy showgirl outfit she had received thanks to good old Rosie, a helmet from the show and her fake shield from the show, she ran into the Hydra facility without a real plan. Only thing on her mind was saving Bucky. 

But then she saw them. 

Hundreds of men in cages like animals, begging for her to save them even though they didn't really trust her.

A group of men did and told her where to find their sniper and sergeant.

Strapped to a table, shaking and rattling off his numbers like it was the only thing he had in his head. He was gaunt. Bucky had never been gaunt.

His eyes nearly fell out of his head when he saw her. His heart almost stopped. It reminded Steph of when they were sixteen and he had seen her naked for the first time. 

 _You're big._ Was all he could say for some time. 

 _Not without you,_ he vowed before she hurled herself across hell to get to him. 

They got out by the skin of their teeth, walking forever to the base with all the men. No casualties. 

They called her a savior. Most importantly, they called her Captain. 

 _You're late._ Peggy scowled, fighting a grin.

Steph held up her comm,  _Couldn't call my ride._

 _It's bread and cheese, Cap._ Howard laughed at her.

 

**Finally**

The nurses had a field day with all the injured soldiers. Bucky especially. He was still handsome despite his gaunt features and dirty body. They washed him up, fed him, checked him for further injuries... 

But the most dangerous injury was inside him. 

He was released, finding Steph's tent with the help of Peggy- she knew all about Bucky. She proofread Steph's letter to him. Which he got when he was in the infirmary tent. 

 _I can't see them under that uniform, Captain._ His voice no longer held the cockiness that made her stomach do somersalts, but it was still like a symphony to hear that voice of his. 

She turned around and hugged him, knocking the wind out of him. They both cried, holding on to each other with crushing force. Once they calmed down, he looked at her again. he was still taller by a few inches. Steph could see the conflict in his eyes. He licked his lips and huffed every few moments of staring at her. She let him stare. She relished in his gaze. 

 _You really are gorgeous. You weren't even bein' funny, Steph. You're a fuckin' dream. I thought... I thought you were. I felt bad... you... you got even more... fuck._ He laughed.

He was trying to keep his composure. He had been trying since his body told him to lose that composure in Steph. If he felt like a heathen then, he was a demon now. 

She made the first move. She kissed him. She realized they never really kissed. Not like they did in that moment, at least. He was fresh, minty and sweet. They were both eager. His hands stopped at her costume before he tore it off. 

 _You keepin' this?_ He asked, panting softly. 

 _Howard can make me another._ She pulled it off herself and pushed him onto her cot. 

She was stronger than she used to be, which didn't say much but reminded her not to use full strength on him. 

 _No._ He stopped her from groping his cock.  _I don't want to fuck you._

Before the wave of emotions hit her, he kissed her slowly. His tongue in her mouth and his hand holding her neck close to him. 

 _I wanna make love to you. I want to go slow and kiss every damn inch of you. I should've before... I got scared. I didn't wanna knock you up like all the other guys were to their girl-_ she cut him off by kissing him like he kissed her. 

 _You gonna talk or fu- make love to your captain?_ She grinned. 

**Fuck**

He was true to his word. He spent a lot of time teasing her. They went slow and he constantly asked if he was hurting her. He didn't. She felt like she was floating. They had to be quiet so they weren't heard, which Bucky didn't like. He missed the noises she made. 

They were in a tavern the next time. They could be loud. It was faster. They were angry at each other and everything else. The Commandos didn't sleep that night either. 

The time after that, they were in the bathroom of an empty bar that was half bombed. They bathed after that. 

They stayed in a house that was well furnished and somehow still beautiful in the midst of wreck and ruin of war. They played house that night. Making a mess and then cleaning up the house. 

The only time they didn't was when it was her Week. Right after, they were right back at it. 

But then she didn't get it. She panicked for a day, crying on Peggy who was cross at her still for thinking she and Howard were sleeping together but also worried for her sister.

Bucky was worried, begging her to tell him. He passed out when she did, mostly because the dumb ass hadn't eaten that day. 

But she got it in her sleep, waking up and cheering. Bucky jolted up and cheered with her. Carrying her off the cot and making sure there wasn't any blood anywhere but on her. They cheered and laughed about it until the morning. 

 _What if you had gotten me pregnant?_ Steph asked him. 

 _They would've sent you home._ He stated. 

 _What would you do?_ She looked at him, meeting his blue eyes. 

He frowned.  _I'd let them send you home. I wouldn't want to, but I wouldn't be able to do much. My baby'd be in there. My girl would be carryin' my baby and I couldn't..._ He swallowed thickly and shut his eyes tight.  _Couldn't bare to lose you. Not to Hydra. Not to anyone._

She was mad for a moment. Damning the menstrual emotions.  _You'd really have to marry me then._

 _I'd have to make it out alive first._ He stroked her cheek. 

**Sarge**

He filled out again fast. Steph got extra food because of her crazy metabolism, but she gave Bucky half of it because he needed the extra weight and after growing up hungry, she wanted to see him fat. She wanted him really fat. 

 _Why do you want me to be fat?_ He chuckled as he laid on the cot in his skivvies. 

 _Hold still, ya shit._ She grinned, sketching him. 

She always drew Bucky. He was her first model. Her favorite one too. He liked it too. 

 _I dunno, I like the idea of you chunky._ She smirked. 

He shook his head.  _You want your sergeant to be a soup?_

She liked when he referred to them by their military titles, he mostly did it to turn her on. 

 _Dum Dum is thick and happy._ Steph mumbled. 

 _I'm thick where it matters, doll._ He laughed.  _So are you. You could be a little rounder right,_ he gestured to his own belly,  _here._

She set her sketch book down, finished anyways, and straddled his hips.  _No babies._

He grinned. Oh, how sweet that grin was. His toothy grin. He had great teeth. Straight naturally and somehow still very white. Hers straightened out with the serum and were unfailingly pearly white. He didn't smile often anymore. The bastard was always grinning before the war. Now he only grinned when they were joking in private, he had done something new to make her moan and disturb the Commandos, or when they talked about the future outside the war. 

He was different. War made every soldier different but he was a new guy. That was Hydra. they had killed a part of him. Whatever they did to him, they killed the joy out of him. The cockiness, the charm, the flirtatiousness, the humor. Not completely. Steph didn't realize how dependent he was on her until she was away from him for a while, finding him in their tent, staring at the dark canvas with a dead look in his eyes.

He screamed in his sleep. It woke her up, and she was glad it did. She calmed him down, sometimes it took hours. Sometimes it never really worked but he faked it for her. He had to be strong for her. 

He rubbed her belly a lot, there was no baby but the thought of one comforted him when he couldn't sleep and she was. Just to imagine something innocent and beautiful growing in her. His Steph. She was really his now. He couldn't believe it. He didn't feel like he deserved it either. But she loved him and he loved her. He never stopped telling her. He said it so much it annoyed her a little. He needed her to know. 

 _Why do you always say it so much?_ She laughed.

 _Never know when it's the last time._ He winked. 

**Train**

It started with a joke he made about a past time at the Coney Island. 

They worked through the cars together, as a team. 

They were separated for a while. 

He was a good shot, always was. He kept her safe.

He held used her shield when she dropped it and protected her. 

She couldn't protect him. 

The door opened. 

She couldn't pull him up. 

She watched him fall. 

Heard him scream.

Over and

over

and 

over.

**Falling**

_At least it's not her._

**Drunk**

She sat at the bar for three hours, draining all the liquor she could from ever bottle she could get her hands on. 

She couldn't get drunk. 

Erskine warned her. 

He didn't warn her that even though her heart had falling with Bucky, she would still live.

She hoped she was pregnant. 

She cried whenever anyone said anything to her.

She yelled at Jones for trying to comfort her.

She shut Peggy and Howard out. 

She planned.

She strategized her way to get the Red Skull and kill him.

She was going to start with Zola.

She needed to be drunk. 

**Nightmares**

He was in her head at night. Sleeping next to her and kissing her even though she couldn't feel it. She craved it. She missed the way he smelled, somehow always clean even when they weren't. The more she thought of him, the more she could feel his hands on her. Like a ghost touching her. She did nothing to stop it, she just sobbed. 

She couldn't even sleep for nightmares. She heard his scream in her head like a record skipping. 

The camera people stopped coming around to film propaganda videos. Howard sent them away. World knew Bucky was dead, Captain America's best friend, sergeant, and boyfriend was dead. 

It was her fault. 

**Stubborn**

 

All her life she'd been called one specific thing. 

Even Red Skull agreed. 

They say you live as you die, but she decided it wasn't true. Bucky didn't die like he lived. Why should she?

**Peggy**

Sweet nothings. Empty promises. 

A goodbye to her other best friend. 

Peggy was so strong. 

She would make it.

She'd show them all. 

She'd tell Steph's story. 

She wasn't going to let Steph's sacrifice be in vain. 

 


End file.
